Taking off my pearls . . .
I have been chastised before for making self-deprecating statements. I realize talking negatively about yourself can have false humility behind it. It also rejects the truth about me as communicated through God’s Word. Sometimes I make those statements out loud, and more often, they are in my head. Perfectionism is such a debilitating hang-up that entangles me regularly. I know I am not alone in that. Many of us are so afraid of messing up that we freeze in complete paranoia. A few days ago, I had the privilege to teach out of the book Proverbs to a group of women at my new church. I laid down in bed that night and my mind started regretting every story that I told and obsessing over the content that I inadvertently left out. AHHHHH! Stop the madness! It reminds me of Moses’ protest in Exodus 4 when God commissioned him to a task. Moses balked, consumed with debilitating fear about his lack of eloquence. God quickly reminded him that He made Moses’ mouth and that He would help him execute the task he was being commissioned with. I can relate. Can you?
To be clear, I had this hang-up long before I became a pastor’s wife. I can’t blame it on that. That role just invites me into more opportunities to be concerned about the expectations of others and “getting it right.” Years ago, I had a dear friend say to me, “Sometimes you gotta take off your pearls, Jenn!” She said this in response to a stuffy, rigid comment I had made. I was stunned at first—as if she had thrown cold water on my face. Then, I decided to receive it for the gift of perspective that it was. Take the pearls off, Jenn! I have no desire to be the prim and proper church lady, unapproachable, exuding an aura of phony perfectionism. I am VERY REAL. I bleed; I hurt; I get tired. I disappoint myself and others. I am human, and more importantly, I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am growing and maturing on my journey with Him. I’m trying to use the gifts God has given to me to exalt Him and bring joy and encouragement to others. But it will not be perfect. And that . . . is . . . ok.
This brings me to the title of my blog, “Wholly Mess.” Truth be told, my given name was taken already by another blog. The expected way of spelling my blog title was also taken. The best idea seemed to be to add a “W,” and another “L,” and allude to the fact that life–the whole, uncut, unabridged, full-length thing–is a mess most of the time. No aspect of me or my life doesn’t need Jesus, or present as messy at one time or another. The more I have the privilege to listen to other people’s stories, the more I know that this is true for all of us. The glorious beauty of this is in the sharing and acceptance of it. Something is released when we acknowledge . . .
"I have not mastered this yet."
"This is kicking my tail."
"I'm scared."
"Things are hard right now."
Even making these statements out loud gets “light” on them, and the pretense of pretending weakens. Acknowledgment and declaration of truth is freeing, as Jesus tells us in John 8:32. The perfectionist nature in me requires that I acknowledge the truth about me as found in His Word. It’s imperative for my growth and maturity in Christ, otherwise I live paralyzed in fear of messing up. These are the truths that free us when we speak them over ourselves and right-size our actual state before our Heavenly Father . . .
"I am a sinner, saved by God's grace alone. I am loved completely and redeemed wholly by Jesus, mess-ups and all!"
"I am chosen and set apart to do good works that God has equipped me specifically to do. Look all the world over, there is no one like me!" (And you!)
"I can walk in joy and hope, regardless of my circumstances. Christ has conquered death and has given me victory in life now, and in eternity! What do I have to fear?"
The more I elevate His truth in my life, the more accurately I see myself. It lets grace flow freely to me, and to others in my life. I am in a season of new—a new geographical location and a new landscape in my own heart. I am looking for a semblance of “normal” or “routine” or “familiarity” but finding none of that. I always said, “Lord, help me!” if I have to enter a church as a new senior pastor’s wife. I got to step into that role through the “back door” at our previous church. I already had community and a place to serve and use my gifts. I felt known and cared for by a great group of friends before God called my husband to that role. Well, here I am, coming through the front door! I do come in with a few more tools on my tool belt, and breathing in more grace for myself, and others. To be sure, I will disappoint some and have some fumbles and bumbles in my future here. I can look back at some previous bumbles in our former place of ministry and can laugh at them now. At the risk of being accused of “self-deprecating,” I share them here in hopes of sharing a few laughs with you, too . . .
*First Sunday on stage 13 years ago, I was singing on the praise team and dropped a $400 microphone pack in the toilet. Ruined it. Didn’t get back on the stage for a hot minute. (I hid in student ministry for 7 years. I said it was to pay off my debt.)
*One time, in this period of self-induced penance, Matt did ask me to sing a song with him that worked for the message that day. We were rehearsing on stage before the service started. I had been chewing gum that morning and suddenly needed to dispose of it. There was a stray piece of paper on the keyboard. We rehearsed, the countdown started, and Matt began frantically looking around for the announcement sheet since he was hosting that day. “I had it right here!” Oops.
*There was an upcoming women’s prayer event and I bravely decided to do a special invite for the deacon's wives. I got their email addresses and proofread the body of the email one hundred times. Somehow, I neglected to proof the greeting. I left the “O” out in “Hello ladies” in the subject line. I was mortified when I found out. I can’t be sure, but I do think it added to our attendance.
*There was a season early on in our time at our previous church when I was notorious for having a very unwelcoming face when people would come up to Matt and me on his Fridays off. They often just wanted to say hello, but sometimes they were excited to see one of their pastors and wanted to have significant conversations in the middle of Sam’s or Olive Garden. I was immature and ungracious about it. One time, my behavior was so cold and Matt was so embarrassed, that I knew I needed to apologize to the couple. I did, and they were so gracious and forgiving. I am getting better at this, I promise. If you see us on a Friday out and about, feel free to say hi. Or if you are scared, just wave from across the room and make an appointment to be on the safe side!
I hope this is the equivalent of taking my pearls off. My intent is to step off an imaginary pedestal and walk on the ground in my favorite, worn, white Pumas instead of imaginary heels. It keeps me closer to the ground and it helps me push stop on that soundtrack when it starts to play, “You messed up! Why did you . . . ?” Maybe I will do it better next time; maybe I won’t. I am a work in progress, and I walk with women and men who are also in progress. Let’s credit some grace to each other’s accounts, and assume the best regarding their intentions. Either way, I know your pastor’s wife will appreciate it, whether she wears pearls or not.
